This is xFiruath, Officially Signing Off

My long journey with Metalunderground began nearly a decade ago. Obama wasn’t President yet, and I still had a day job. I was tired of people screaming at me on the phone over problems with their cell service that I hadn’t caused and had no ability to fix. It was time for a change, so the wife and I decided to give a big old middle finger to the daily grind and dive headfirst into freelancing online.

It wasn’t long after getting in touch with Deathbringer that I found myself in Seattle on a tour bus shaking hands with Mikael Akerfeldt and blathering like an idiot about what a big fan I was. Its an experience I’ll never forget, seeing a legend in the flesh and learning what his daily life was like while performing across the country. I was so star struck I accidentally left my audio recorder on the bus after the interview and didn’t get it back until after the show. I’ve got a good half an hour of Mikael on the phone talking to family in Sweden that I’m never going to delete.

Never in my life did I figure I’d be talking to Kyle Gass about the death of Dio and whether there might ever be a Pick Of Destiny 2, but there I was on the phone with one half of Tenacious D chatting about legalizing drugs and how mortality sucks. Phone calls with lifelong idols like Emperor’s Ihsahn and Vorph from Samael became semi-regular occurrences. I actually ended up discussing the infamous “Jesus is a cunt” t-shirt directly with Dani Filth.

The Metalunderground of those golden days feels like a completely different era now. I remember back when every Avenged Sevenfold or Slipknot thread had 150+ comments and became any given reader’s personal chat room. That time Deathbringer made a forum link on the main page as an April Fool’s joke (royally pissing off everyone who wanted a message board long before we actually had one) had me in stitches while fending off angry emails.

Looking back at those days, I think of shirtless Wilco and his creative grammar. Regulars like americanpatriot1 and Gorecunt keeping conversations going. InfernoNecrosis oversharing about bodily functions. KMADD and Korndogg trolling. The constant cry of “That’s not Rob Zombie!!” All those times I accidentally wrote “Mike Porntoy” or “Windows Of Plague” in a headline. Branded or Kali getting into massive fights with anyone about anything. Blindgreed1 coming up with ever more inventive insults to anyone who would dare besmirch the Metalunderground name or anybody who called MU home.

If you got past the hazing phase, you were a regular – you were on of us, and that meant something. Those were the days of R10 and Wolf, Natsquatch and Cozen, BrunoHockalugie and Jackrum, Terminator and BrianSD, IrishMetal and Trendkill91, PorcupineTreeFan and IrishMetal, Fuck_A_Name and Drum_Junkie (who blessedly has stayed active). Whoever thought a grown man could look back at a forum thread titled “I’d put my tongue in her butt” and feel nostalgic?

It wasn’t just the readers that made us into that powerhouse of metal though, it was also the contributors. It was Vicky bringing absurdly underground pornogrind bands to the world’s attention. It was CROMCarl’s pun-tastic reviews. It was James (Cynic), Zack (zMETALlica), Peggy (darkstar), Cody (The_Avant_Garde), Dan (heavytothebone2), Kevin (n0thinghead), Joel (bloodofheroes), Andrew (remembermetal?), Matt (Dasher10), psythe, and more turning this thing into a community. All the while there was Deathbringer keeping us together and introducing me to bands like Acid Bath.

Along the way I’ve had the distinct pleasure of running our staff voting and writing up the yearly best-of articles, chronicling an absurd number of releases and how they ranked in the metalverse. I’ll never forget those dueling articles about the merits of Opeth’s “Heritage” with Darren (if you think the comments we get now are negative, oh boy, you should see some of the shit that hit my inbox back then when I dared to state a negative opinion about the Swedish golden boys). There were the fabulous inverse Valentine’s Day articles with Ollie, as well as meeting fascinating people who have since moved on to other endeavors like Frank (Progressivity_In_All) and Mike (OverkillExposure).

This journey of a staggering 603 reviews and just shy of 62,000 news stories has included everything from spending time talking to a band absurdly named Vaginal Penetration Of An Amelus With A Musty Carrot to moments that truly defined my life.

Although most of it took place in my home office, this has been a truly global journey, like when I had the opportunity to interview dozens of both Christian and Satanic black metal bands across the world for that unblack metal article. I got a whole new perspective on humanity while talking to people who lived through different denominations of the same religion trying to bomb each other into eternity in Croatia side by side with people who believe that prayer can literally resurrect the dead. I ended up interviewing utter misanthropes who did not want to be talking to any metal sites and were openly antagonistic, as well as extremely friendly bands who were beyond grateful someone was just simply paying attention to them.

There was the monumental undertaking of putting together our Peter Steele tribute album with bands from around the world to just simply meeting up with people I never could have imagined. Shared musical connections were forged with fans and musicians from far flung locales like Sri Lanka, Taiwan, Greece, Russia, Cyprus, Belgium, Iceland, Argentina, Israel, Chile, Norway, Maldives, the Czech Republic and even more! If it wasn’t for Metalunderground, I’d never have interacted with any of those amazing musicians and metal fans.

Far all those people I met online in far off lands, there were also plenty closer to home, from the trio of excellent lads in Spokane instrumental group Odyssey to local Montana scene stalwart Rashid (aka Zebulon Kosted). Probably the most surprising (and humbling) moment of my life took place right here in my own town, when the teller at my local bank saw my name and recognized who I was from Metalunderground, excitedly chatting me up about metal news.

While there were changes to the site, it was really metal itself that changed over these past 10 years. There was the appearance (and ignominious end) of djent. The love/hate phenomena that is Ghost. Pirate metal. Melodic post-hardcore (aka whiny mallcore that all sounds the same). Nu-metal’s unexpected return. That God Of Atheists album that never came out (and probably never will). Watching several different bands implode in public. Hearing bands I’d adored since I was a teenager slowly turn to utter shit. Terrible fires and even terrorist shootings that took the lives of our fellow music lovers. Hilariously awesome metal covers that deserve way more attention than they ever got. Finding nobody bands from a place no one’s ever heard of who could outperform absolutely anyone on the Metal Blade or Roadrunner rosters (which was hands down my favorite part of this job).

There have been huge ups and yes, some downs. There have been times when Metalunderground sat triumphantly among the top 5 metal sites in the entire world and times when we’ve struggled to get comments and views. The fall of MySpace, subsequent great exodus to Facebook, and rising dominance of clickbait content completely changed how music sites operate. We went from a few scant thousand Facebook followers and catapaulted to more than a million. Sometimes its good and sometimes its bad, but change happens whether you want it to or not, and sadly now those changes are leading me away from the place that’s been my online home for most of my adult life.

Many of the people I’ve met through Metalunderground have legitimately become friends, whether its our contributors, readers, or even PR and label folks like Curtis Dewar, Tom George, and Ryan Feldman. Plenty of those friendships have gone way beyond “hey, we like the same bands” over the years. We’ve been there for each other through marriages, divorces, births, mental breakdowns, and even funerals (RIP DeathInEye, Godlike, and Tom Himself – the three of you will not be forgotten).

At this point, some of the people reading this post are more like family. I’ve given job recommendations over the phone for some of you. Regulars have emailed me asking what they can do to help our writers who were going through hard times and vice versa. When my wife and I lost our first child, there were probably more MU readers messaging me their support and condolences than anyone else – even people I’d openly argued and clashed with before. We’re metal heads. No one else understands us, so we fucking stick together.

It’s been my honor to serve the metal community and do my part to keep the scene thriving. I have no doubt the rest of the staff and the regular readers will keep things running smoothly. For my part, I’ll now be writing for Gameskinny, working on my next fiction release, and handling a few PR campaigns for metal bands I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know to over the years.

I may be leaving the site, but I’m not going to vanish from the metal community, so keep in touch. For everyone reading this, whether you’ve been around since those heady early days or just recently got on the MU train, please know you have my thanks.

All good things come to an end, and my time here is finally done. This is xFiruath, officially signing off. Farewell Metal Underground.

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Xandria Splits With Vocalist Dianne Van Giersbergen

German symphonic metal band Xandria has now split with its fifth vocalist, officially parting ways with Dianne van Giersbergen today. The group issued this statement:

“Dear all, we are very sad about the situation that we and you, the people following Xandria, have to face now. After we already had to cancel many concerts since July due to Dianne not being able to perform we had now been informed by her that she is leaving the band with immediate effect.

“This happened after we published news that the upcoming concerts will be played with a temporary replacement singer. It was clear to everyone, including Dianne, that it was supposed to be a temporary solution only. We had to learn about her departure in a way that has been surprising us very much and with a statement in which we do not recognize ourselves in.

“We have been very downhearted about not being able to play these concerts, and probably would not have been able to play for an undetermined time also in the future. For that reason, we wanted to play at least the concerts in November and December with a temporary replacement singer that can celebrate the music we love so much together with you and us, instead of cancelling any more concerts.

“We always have been doing our best to be there for you fans, so we tried the same in this difficult situation. Just as we always tried to find a good way to care for all members of the band to live the passion that is music, which can sometimes be difficult for everyone. Unfortunately, it seems that Dianne´s needs and goals were drifting apart from the band´s ones.

“However, we are proudly looking back at what we achieved together and we are thanking Dianne for the great times we shared and everything she did for the band. We wish her all the best for what she is heading for on her future way. We will live the passion we have for our music together with you all on our concerts in November, December & beyond! With a heavy heart, but at the same time looking forward to the future and to see you out there sharing our music with you,

“Philip, Marco, Steven & Gerit.”

Dianne tells a very different version of events, posting this message online via Facebook about her departure from Xandria:

“The moment I promised you and me that would never come is here: I am leaving Xandria. And the reason is simple: staying in the band would cause further damage to the health problems the band has caused me.

“For nearly 2 years now I’ve been trying to put band and management issues on the table, with the sole reason to keep this band healthy, together and ready for the future. Today I am sad to say that my attempts failed and have been ignored, that my cries for help have been met with financial threats and emotional extortion and that my persistence to keep on going, ignoring all the warning signs, has left me with uncontrollable stress symptoms (confirmed by doctors). I am a fighter, but I’ve come to see that this is one I cannot win. I don’t want to leave, I love the music that I got to write for you – which is 100% me – but I can’t live, can’t perform, can simply not exist in an environment that harms me. This environment does not care for me nor for the fans (even proposed me to playback in order to do more shows in a row) and somehow miraculously never generated any financial outcome and therefore no stability for any of its band members.

“Yesterday evening the last hope I had of ever reconciling with the boys was shattered when they made a statement announcing that ‘I’ could not perform with the band anymore, forgetting to mention that I am in this unhealthy position because of Xandria & management. Not surprisingly they also already have a replacement for me and kicked me out of every Xandria social media page. With that they’ve send me one last clear message: they are not interested in fixing the situation nor are they willing to support me if that means (partly) stepping away from the business perspective (quote: ‘we are not friends’) which leads me to conclude what I know now: it is time for me to close this chapter and wish them the best of luck in continuing the band I loved so much.

“Now, I don’t know where we will meet again, but I didn’t follow my passion, study all those hours and travel all those roads to simply give up. I’m sad to close this chapter, but I’m sure there will be another one to write. In the meantime I will be focussing on what does make me happy and I will be posting my daily business and updates on my Precious Metal Jewelry and Ex Libris stuff as usual. I very much hope to see you online so we can stay in touch and who knows, maybe one day in an audience again. Thank you all for understanding, for your love and support! I am forever grateful.”

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New Album “1755” Expected From Moonspell This Year

The rumors are true! Moonspell is ready to release a new album this year. The band is currently in pre-production with John Phipps at the band’s home studios (Inferno) in Portugal and has recently posted online some pictures of videos of the daily work at the studio.

The album title will be “1755” and it’s a quite surprising twist of events and direction for the band. Versing the Great Lisbon Earthquake (1755), the band has developed a lyrical concept that looks into the death and rebirth of Lisbon and how the disaster changed religion, politics and philosophy in the whole of Europe. The surprise is that the album will be fully sung in Portuguese!

What was supposed to be just a 4-song bonus for the “Lisboa Under the Spell” DVD-Blu-ray (recorded last February in Lisbon with 4000 wild fans attending, to be released in 2018) evolved into a full length album that will be produced by Tue Madsen (Antfarm Studios, DK) who worked with the band in a few previous releases: “Under Satanae,” “Night Eternal” and “Alpha Noir/Omega White.”

In the band’s own words, Fernando (lead singer) explains: “We fell in love with the concept and made perfect sense to sing it in our national language, Portuguese. I guess we were just waiting for the right opportunity to work on such an album. Musically it will be heavier than Extinct. It will be earthshaking but also very detailed with orchestrations and percussion as we want people to relive the Lisbon of the 18th century. Singing it in Portuguese, allowed me to find a different expression as a vocalist and my job is to be the survivor of the Earthquake, roaming the ruins and telling you all about it.”

The band will tour Latin America soon and will play several festivals in the Summer. Find all dates listed below and make sure to catch Moonspell live on the road:

29.04.17 SE – Stockholm / Fryshuset
12.05.17 IT – Cagliari / Fabrik
13.05.17 IT – Borgo Priolo / Dagda Live

25.05.17 MX – Guadalajara / C3
26.05.17 MX – Monterrey / Cafe Iguana
31.05.17 SV – San Salvador / Cifco
02.06.17 CR – San Jose / Peppers Club
03.06.17 CO – Bogota / Revolution Bar
04.06.17 CO – Medellin / Teatro Matacandelas
10.06.17 AR – Buenos Aires / Teatro Flores
13.06.17 UY – Mentevideo / Music Box
14.06.17 BR – Sao Paulo / Clash Club
15.06.17 BR – Belo Horizonte / Granfinos
16.06.17 BR – Curitiba / Music Hall
17.06.17 BR – Recife / Catamaran
18.06.17 BR – Fortasleza / Armazem
20.16.17 BR – Belem / Botequim
25.06.17 BR – Rio De Janeiro / Imperator

Festival Shows:

04.05.17 NO – Karmoy / Karmoygeddon Metal Festival
01.07.17 DE – Muehlheim an der Ruhr / Castle Rock
05.-08.07.17 DE – Ballenstedt / Rockharz Open Air
11.-16.07.17 HU – Rockmaraton Fesztvál
16.07.17 CZ – Vizovice / Masters of Rock
16.-19.08.17 DE – Dinkelsbuehl / Summer Breeze
02.09.17 DE – Markneuenkirchen / ReeveLand Festival

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Eindhoven Metal Meeting Reveals Full 2016 Lineup

With the addition of Pro-Pain, Soulburn, and Komah, the line-up for Eindhoven Metal Meeting 2016 is now complete. The eighth edition of the annual metal meeting is set to take place December 16th & 17th, 2016 at the reputable Effenaar venue in Eindhoven, The Netherlands.

The organization is furthermore proud to reveal the daily schedule of the festival. Single day tickets are going on sale Monday, the 1st of August 2016. The full festival billing is as follows:

Aura Noir (NO)
Archgoat (FI)
Batushka (PL)
Benighted (FR)
Bleeding Gods (NL)
Bölzer (CH)
Burning Hatred (NL)
Caronte (IT)
Cirith Gorgor (NL)
Destruction (DE)
Der Weg Einer Freiheit (DE)
Emptiness (BE)
Endstille (DE)
Enthroned (BE)
General Surgery (SE)
Gutalax (CZ)
Hail Of Bullets (NL – featuring David Ingram [ex-Benediction, Bolt Thrower[ on vocals)
Harakiri For The Sky (AT)
Hell (UK)
Insanity Reigns Supreme (BE)
Illdisposed (DK)
Komah (BE)
Mantar (DE)
Mayhem (NO – ‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’ will be played in its entirety!)
Memoriam (UK – featuring band members from Bolt Thrower, Cerebral Fix and Benediction)
Moonspell (PT – Special setlist based on the ‘Wolfheart’ and ‘Irreligious’ albums!)
Necrophagia (US – pre-party)
Pro-Pain (US)
Protector (SE)
Schammasch (CH)
Schirenc Plays Pungent Stench (AT – pre-party)
Seth (FR)
Soulburn (NL)
Tiamat (SE)
Toxic Waltz (DE)
Valkyrja (SE)
Watain (SE – Exclusive BeNeLux show & unique ‘Casus Luciferi’ setlist!)
Wederganger (NL)

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Keychain Announces North American Tour Dates

Keychain is pushing the boundaries of its genres to bring metal, alternative rock, and hip hop back together again.

The band will be hitting the the road from the end of August to mid-October for a first North American tour promoting debut EP “Breaking Out,” which is being released on August 5th.

The EP was produced by award winning producer/engineer/mixer Glen Robinson who has worked with names such as The Ramones, AC/DC, GWAR, Annihilator and Voivod plus mastered by none other than Howie Weinberg (Pantera, Limp Bizkit, The Deftones, etc).

Check out our recent audio Pit Story with the band, and you can also see Keychain live The Maension on these dates:

22.07.2016 – Theatre Paradoxe – Montreal, QC* – (MTL Uncovered – Art Exposition)
12.08.2016 – Rock Fest – Epiphanie, QC* – info
20.08.2016 – Piranha Bar – Montreal, QC* – info
27.08.2016 – Rock The Docks – Kahnawake, QC*
31.08.2016 – Neptune Lounge – Tarpon Springs, FL
01.09.2016 – Anonymus Guitars – Lauderhill, FL
02.09.2016 – Bombshell’s Tavern – Orlando, FL
03.09.2016 – The Junction At Monroe – Talahassee, FL
04.09.2016 – A&M Theatre – Panama City, FL
07.09.2016 – The Handlebar – Pensacola, FL
08.09.2016 – Green Door Music Hall – Fort Walton Beach, FL
09.09.2016 – The Plughouse – Dotham, AL
10.09.2016 – Club Famous – Atlanta, GA
11.09.2016 – Spring Water – Nashville, TN
12.09.2016 – Turn Table Bar & Grill – Bowling Green, KY
14.09.2016 – TBA – Evansville, IN
15.09.2016 – Cicero’s – St Louis, MO
16.09.2016 – Bourbon Street Rhythm & Ribs – Springfield, IL
17.09.2016 – Lizard Lounge – Whichita, KS
18.09.2016 – Aftershock – Merriam, KS
19.09.2016 – Alchemy Bar & Grill – Omaha, NE*
20.09.2016 – Gillies Bar – Kearny, NE
21.09.2016 – Monkey Barrel – Denver, CO
22.09.2016 – The Daily Grind Cafe – Pueblo, CO
23.09.2016 – Zodiac – Colorado Springs, CO
24.09.2016 – The Manfort – Durango, CO
25.09.2016 – The Metro Bar – Salt Lake City, UT
26.09.2016 – TBA – Spanish Fork, UT
28.09.2016 – LVCS – Las Vegas, NV
29.09.2016 – The Rogue Bar – Scottsdale, AZ
30.09.2016 – Jasper’s Bar and Grill – Santa Ana, CA
01.10.2016 – The Airliner – Los Angeles, CA
02.10.2016 – TBA – Valley, CA
14.10.2016 – O Patro Vys – Montreal, QC*

*Without THE MAENSION (just KEYCHAIN + Support)

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Audiotopsy Announces North American Tour Dates

Audiotopsy – featuring guitarist Greg Tribbett (Mudvayne, Hell Yeah), drummer Matt McDonough (Mudvayne), vocalist Billy Keeton (Skrape) and bassist Perry Stern – released the “Natural Causes” debut earlier this October via Napalm Records.

Today Audiotopsy has confirmed a first ever tour of North America: the guys will take to the road alongside All That Remains, Devour the Day ,and Sons of Texas. The tour starts November 17 in Lincoln, NE and runs through December 18 in Millvale, PA. A complete list of tour dates can be found below.

“We are looking forward to Touring with our Friends in All That Remains! You don’t wanna miss these Shows! Come out and have a good time and get away from the daily grind! See you there,” says guitarist Greg Tribbet about the band’s virgin voyage across the country.

11/17: Lincoln, NE @ Bourbon Theater
11/19: Colorado Springs, CO @ Black Sheep
11/20: Albuquerque, NM @ Sunshine Theater
11/21: Farmington, NM @ Top Deck
11/22: Tucson, AZ @ Club X’s
11/24: Phoenix, AZ @ Marquee Theater
11/25: Las Vegas, NV @ Vinyl
11/27: Spokane, WA @ Knitting Factory
11/28: Boise, ID @ Knitting Factory
11/30: Ft. Collins @ The Aggie
12/1: Wichita, KS @ The Cotillion
12/4: St. Louis, MO @ Pops
12/5: Milwaukee, WI @ The Rave
12/6: Chicago, IL @ Concord
12/8: Atlanta, GA @ Masquerade
12/9: Charlotte, NC @ The Fillmore
12/11: Portland, ME @ Asylum
12/12: Hartford, CT @ Webster Theater
12/13: Baltimore, MD @ Rams Head Live
12/14: New York, NY @ Gramercy Theater
12/16: Lancaster, PA @ Chameleon Club (18+)
12/17: Flint, MI @ Machine Shop
12/18: Millvale, PA @ Mr. Smalls

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Subconscious Re-Releases “Forever Is Now” With Bonus Tracks

Six years from its dissolution, the German thrash/death/metalcore maniacs from Subconscious have re-released their 2006 Album “Forever Is Now” as a free download via Bandcamp.

The download includes the album artwork with an 8-page booklet PDF and the “From The Ashes” EP (2004) as bonus tracks.

“Forever is Now” was recorded at Berlin’s Daily Hero Recordings (War From A Harlots Mouth, Placenta, Postmortem, Deadlock) and was mastered by Peter “Pluto” Neuber at Mega Wimp Sound (Born from Pain, Disinter, Septic Flesh, Avulsed). Give it a listen below.

Forever Is Now by Subconscious

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Graveyard Reveals New Album “Innocence & Decadence”

The Swedish grandmasters of classic rock from Gravyeard have announced their fourth full-length album, “Innocence & Decadence,” on September 25th, 2015 worldwide via Nuclear Blast.

“Innocence & Decadence” was recorded in Stockholm, Sweden at Atlantis Studios with Janne Hansson and Johan Lindstrom. Commented the band:

“Got a new album coming your way in September called ‘Innocence & Decadence.’ It’s gonna be an album filled to the rim with a little bit of this – and for all of those who might wonder or worry – there will be quite a lot of that on it as well. We’ve had a great time recording the album at the ‘gemytliga’ Atlantis Studios in Stockholm together with Janne Hansson and Johan Lindström. And after kinda being away from our daily routine as a touring band and the thrill of a new album on its way ….. we wanna leave you with. Good to be gone, great to be back and let there be September!“

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Luca Turilli’s Rhapsody Posts “Prometheus” Album Trailer

Only a few days left until the masters of cinematic metal – Luca Turilli’s Rhapsody – will release new album “Prometheus – Symphonia Ignis Divinus” via Nuclear Blast (June 19th in Europe and June 30th in the U.S.).

Today, the band releases the first part of a series of trailers, which includes album excerpts and can be heard below. You can also read our review here. Luca Turilli comments:

“The music and lyrics of Rhapsody are generally inspired by science, metaphysics, myths and legends, the mysteries of the universe and much more. All these topics are related with one basic and fundamental source of inspiration that I would define as ‘spiritual evolution.’ In my life experience I felt always attracted by what hides behind the miracle of creation. I always tried to find an answer to all the common philosophical questions: from where we come, where do we go and which is the sense of all this, what really hides beyond the illusion of space and time, what happens after our physical death and all that.

“In particular I was very interested in understanding more about that primordial original spiritual source that was later manipulated by man, in a more or less wise way, and that gave birth to all religions. I started finding the first important answers to this kind of questions in the second part of my life, after some particular events happened to me and that changed my life vision once for all. From that moment, mainly thanks to the constant practice of yoga and meditation, I started exploring the possibilities of the human brain and the relation between the material world and the spiritual dimension surrounding us, finally starting to understand where the key lies for the comprehension of all things.

“As these subjects became fundamental in my daily life, it is natural I felt the need to express all this also through the music and lyrics of my Rhapsody band. The song ‘Il Tempo Degli Dei,’ in particular, is very special for me as in the middle section of the same track you can hear the real voice of the greatest Italian psychic, Gustavo Adolfo Rol (1903-1994), reading from the pages of his diary the famous words of what he defined as ‘The tremendous Law,’ that quantum gate discovered by him in 1927 and allowing him to gain access to a set of supernatural ‘possibilities’ that he used in the name of light and love. That song is dedicated to him as he is one of my greatest inspirations.”

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Man Realizes Favorite Band Isn’t Good Anymore

In a breakthrough of truly monumental proportions, local man John Kettle has recently come to realize that his favorite band actually isn’t any good anymore.

A sinking suspicion started to develop when the band released the first single from its latest album, which received a less-than-positive response from online listeners.

Kettle was enraged upon reading the YouTube comments insisting this new material wasn’t as strong as previous releases, with one comment in particular leaving him no choice but to respond.

“My first knee-jerk reaction was to tell him he’s worse than Hitler and insist he must love Justin Bieber if he can’t appreciate my favorite band,” Kettle said. “But after really listening to the song again and sitting through those atrocious lyrics, I came to the horrible realization that maybe someone else on the Internet with a different opinion than mine might have been correct.”

Working hard to hold back tears, the brave Kettle told us his worst fears have come true: the one band that could do no wrong finally released something that wasn’t very good. The visibly emotional Kettle ended our interview by moaning, “I used to tell people on forums that they aren’t true fans if they don’t love everything that band has put out. Now that’s going to happen to ME!”

There’s no word yet on how advanced Kettle’s false-fan status is, and whether this will interfere with his daily life in any significant way. Stay tuned for more on this breaking story.

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